retiring pressure

Where is peace in solitude?
Where is the travel, the joy?
The neat and tidy?

I can't find it in dark, worrying.
promises each night,
then each morning,
then after I water, check my phone, sew, craft, read, rest, pick up the remote.

Household promises left undone.

Ow, muscles tense, ache, grow weak.
Thinking slows, time draws long into dusk.

Work?
But nothing seems doable to an old woman.

So I rest.
after I water,
after computer,
after sewing,
after pens and glue,
after reading,
after rest.

Appreciation for those little ones saves that day, then I rest again.

64

doing nothing?
I'm told it is my prerogative. 

I got a tiny, syrupy taste of grace,
doing nothing for freedom's sake.

shame hardens like old frosting.
fear cuts a big piece out of birthday cake.

who will pay our day to day?
someone says he will, spouts numbers,
pleased with investments in Wall Street.

Doctor for 20.
Rx for 10.
1500 or more extra

House in 7 yrs 
except to insure

AARP:
"Social Security prevents starved, homeless,
not all of it."

In my head scary scenes wind up into stringy, random balls of yarn 
until the room is filled.
becomeing heavy,
matted weight gathering light til it's dark.
I'm mashed.
each day.
yearning for sweets.


 

A feeling, often called bored, is not.

It's not the correct descriptive adjective for the feeling called:

Bored.

Sitting around.
Donnwanna read,
donnwanna go somewhere,
donnwanna do anything.

My head is so bored I can't even concentrate on daydreams.
They seem to be flipping in my heart like old tvs in the 50's.
Flipping and static turn darker when the early evening descends,
announcing a flimsy end to a whole day wasted.
Through the day the fog hovered behind my eyes like a coming migraine,
and now settles on shoulders, sore for ages, shoulders getting worse,
probably needing a doctor's attention.
But that's too boring to care.

So, boring is not so boring.
Rather tense, looming, bitter.
Reeking of failure.

Looking forward to 8:00.
Earliest I can go to bed with no one knowing.

I'm miserable.

My Brother asked, does your Everything Hurt?

I've been thinking

*Shoulder hurts.relax body
ice
Tylenol

*heart hurts.
let go
breathe
be here now

*Head blurry.
rest
accept

*Fingertips tingling.
don't worry
don't dwell

*Forgetful.
so what

*Indecisive.
who cares, I'm retired

*Moody.
settle and rest
meditate that
I'm loved beyond all understanding.

*Procrastinating.
make a list
do the first thing